I found something I didn't know I had lost!

(Warning, very long post)

I sit here with tears flowing as I share with you my heart. 

Honestly I don't know where to begin or that I'm even comfortable with this.  So I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and have decided to be open about some things with all of you.  You are my friends and have never showed me anything but love so I really think by the end of this post you will rejoice with me.

You see over the last 9 months or so life has been anything but stable.  I lost myself somewhere along the way.  Sometimes life throws changes at you that your just not prepared for and you must decide how to cope with them.  I retreated somewhere deep inside of myself, um not a good place to be.  I became very depressed and then life threw more at me. I became very anxious and then life threw even more at me and somewhere along the way I became someone I didn't know. 

I was lost and I honestly never realized it.  I just kept going through life, I mean what choice did I have right.  I became someone on the inside I didn't know, on one hand I hated this person but on the other it was very exciting to be someone who could make all the stuff in life ever so dull.  The only problem with this is I became very lost. Lost from my myself, my family, my friends and most of all my God.  I knew I had changed but I'm guessing I had convinced myself I was okay because I still loved my family, my friends and yes I still loved God.  I found myself doing things that were very out of character but the more I did them the less I felt.  It didn't hurt so bad! Things just kept happening and I just kept finding myself doing more things out of character.  (You see the cycle)  I didn't see that my life was spinning out of control but man was it.  I didn't understand why God was causing my life to be a mess.  I mean he was causing all of these trials right. I always found things to get a little better and then bam something else would happen and I would fall deeper in this. Mind you all the time I kept my game face on in front of my kids and everyone but a few friends and my husband.  Never once did I let those closest to me that love me the most in on this, well there was once. (Thanks Jen, I appreciate and love you!)

I do know and fully understand that God wasn't causing or doing this to me.  Trials in life come and God is there to get us through them and uses them for his glory if we allow him to. Sadly I had lost the ability to see it that way.

Today as I look back on things, I'm just broken over it.  Over the last several weeks I found myself making little changes.  I didn't understand at the time that it was God.  He was tugging at me.  I had changed some little things. Turned the TV off more, changed the things we were watching, you know just small things. I mean I just didn't want my kids exposed to those things anymore.  I found myself reading more.  Started off with just some inspirational books by Beth Moore and things of that nature but then I found myself pick up my BIBLE (are you seeing a pattern cause again I didn't) and things really began to stir in me.  I really just thought I could be a better person. I was doing all of this on my own, right (that is how I seen it at first).  I mean I was the one making these changes of my own will or so I thought. 

A week ago yesterday I really didn't want to go to church but didn't want to be a bad example to my kids.  Let me tell ya it is honestly not any fun trying to be 2 people at the same time. Through all of this I rarely missed church, I mean people might have thought something was really wrong and I thought I was fine, just different than who I had use to be but I actually thought I liked this new me (not).  Anyway back to that service at church last Sunday.  Our Pastor, Dr. Bradley preached and I mean he preached a sermon on how that if we would just take one step in a positive direction we could be changed, we could succeed. Just one step! He preached about your life not having to be a mess. He told us that we had the abilty through God to not let things control us.  You see many times in the last 9 months I have tried to go back to the old me.  I would feel God but then when I would leave church I would be reminded of all the things I had done.  My mind would make me miserable and I was convinced God didn't have a place for me anymore. I mean how can God forgive someone who has lived a Godly life for all these years that falls flat on their face all the while being in church.  How do you lose God while sitting on a church pew every service, seriously?  It happens!  I don't know or understand how this happens all I know is it does and it can happen to anyone.  During that church service last Sunday night something stirred in me and I wanted to be that person that could make a difference.  I went forward and prayed and begged God to make a difference in me.  Then of course before we even got home it began. My thoughts, the mind is a scary thing.  It can literally torment you. Instead of just giving up this time I read my Bible and I also came across a book that we have had forever and decided to read it. I had no idea what it was even about when I started it but it was exactly what I needed.  It talked about taking control of our mind and thought life.  I was astounded that through God I actually have the power to control these things.  My mind had been tormenting me for months and it still does God has just given me the revelation to see that through him I am in control of it.  Though the day when this would start I would just immediately ask God to help me control it and this was working.  Apparently this angered Satan because I then began have night terrors about my past.  I couldn't sleep and when I did I didn't rest and woke up exhausted.  I felt as I had been fighting for my life all night long.  I had been fighting and running like crazy from this stuff.  Then Wednesday of last week Pastor taught having a beautiful mind and how we had to guard our mind and renew it.  How if we bathed our mind in God's word it would be renewed.  I had been reading immediately before church this very thing in my book.  Thank you God for affirming these things.  I don't have to run anymore all I must do is turn around face it head on and command it to stop in the mighty name of Jesus.  Friday I faced the biggest storm I had in a while and while I didn't handle it as I probably should and did regress and bit, God got a hold of me and I was shakened.  I don't ever remember being disciplined like that EVER! 

Yesterday morning I went to church kinda bummed cause I really felt like I had failed again.  Why would God still want me?  Pastor preached about how Satan was trying to steal our belief and our faith in God.  Thank you Pastor Bradley for listening to and obeying God. Something happened to me in church yesterday morning and I don't know how to explain it.  I literally felt something change, I felt this unexplainable power come in me. I feel God right here with me.  It's not like I have ever felt him before!  He is an awesome God!!!! My heart for the first time in a long time feels whole.  I never stopped loving God but I honestly felt there was no way he could still love me.  I do realize that this is what Satan wants us to feel. I want all God has for me and my family.  I want to do anything and I want to go anywhere he would have for me.  I know people are probably thinking (and that's okay, he knows) your walking on a cloud and maybe I am but God is walking beside me.  You probably think when the first thing comes at me I will be right back where I was, well I vow that I will not allow that to happen and as long as God is here with me it won't. You see I had walked away and left him behind but when I finally started stepping towards him even though at first I didn't realized that I was he like the loving father he is began running to me with his arms open wide.  Seriously I am just overwhelmed with the feeling of his presence.  He is my life and without him I am noone.  My heart hearts but in a good way. I feel that it is being worked on wounded but on the mend. Kinda when you have a wound that is healing. 

I hate what I have allowed to happen over the last 9 months and I hate the things that have happened but I will not walk away with them with a ahh poor me attitude because I know that God can make anything come together and use it for his glory.  You know maybe it can be used to minister to another family, wife, mother, child of God someday.  I know that things will raise their ugly heads but I have also come to know that if I call out to God I can get through them without all the wounds and scars they can cause.  I am fully aware that Satan and his many fallen angels will throw things at me, they will do anything they can to stop what I have, what God has so graciously allowed me to take part in. Today I do stand on top of a mountain and even if tomorrow a valley comes along I will hold my head high and thank God for it, for I will be stronger on the other side.  

God please use me and my life anyway you see fit.

I want to thank everyone of you for your prayers and your love. I will never look at the past at not regret it but I have also learned a lot and have more compassion for people walking this road than is imaginable. Before you decide to judge or look down on people for something you really need to try and look at it from the other side. Afterall we are all just flesh and blood being SAVED BY GRACE!!!   

I honestly don't know where to stop this and could probably go on forever but I'm sure I have already lost a lot of you so I will leave you with this.

Renewal can only be done in someone who has been through enough to open his heart, to close up his past, to stand in the rain of God's grace and to tell the next generation the truth!

Go with God and be blessed!!!