Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Higher Ground!

I don't write this for pity or anything of that nature. I just want to share how amazing God is, although I've struggled that is one thing I've never forgotten!

As many of you know I've struggled and at times I've just fallen apart. Today I want to share part of my story.

First and foremost God is amazing, he has never failed me and I know he never will. As I have struggled through the last 1 1/2 of my life I have finally realized that I don't have to. If only I'd have learned this sooner.

I have struggled with depression on and off for most of my adult life. I've been on medication, off medication, been thru various therapies and councilor's you name it I think I've probably done it.

Fifteen months ago my life literally began to unravel and I didn't know how to handle it. At first I cried out to God, then I tried to fix it and then it just seemed impossible.

I fell into the deepest pit of depression I have ever been in and I certainly didn't know how to deal with it on top of everything else. So I went to the doctor for antidepressants and bounced from one medicine to the next but nothing ever worked long. This was hard and I was weak. I literally lost my footing with life, God and my family.

September or October of last year it seemed like the doctors finally found the right combination of medicine and I began to feel better or so I thought. Life was getter easier and the future finally looked a little brighter. (or so I thought)

About 7 or 8 weeks ago I forgot to fill the prescription and just couldn't remember to do it. A week or two went by and I told Donnie about it but that if anything I felt better, more like me than I had in a long time. We decided to see how things went and if not then I'd just go get the medicine. As more time passed the better I felt so I didn't worry about it.

Sunday May 20, 2011
I will never forget this day! We got up and got ready for church just like we had every Sunday morning for our entire marriage. Little did I know this Sunday would prove to be life altering. As the musicians began to play and everyone began to sing I felt something I hadn't felt in a very long time and to be honest with you I'm not sure I had ever quite felt it like this before. I began to pray and it literally felt like God reached down out of heaven and wrap his big Daddy arms around me. At this moment I realized that I hadn't felt God in so long but not only that I hadn't felt anything. Not happiness, sadness or love. Nope I just apparently had stop feeling but I had also not realized it. I had become numb, emotionally stunted! I gave my all to God right then and there. I felt nothing but his love! It felt like the weight of the world was taken off my shoulders.

You see as I had struggled through somethings I had just gotten to the point where I honestly felt that it wasn't possible for God to love someone like me. I had done things that I was ashamed of and had actually come to the point where I felt unlovable. He loved me I just was unable to feel it and Satan played on that. He bombard my mind with things but all of that washed away that morning.

I'd love to say life has been grand since then but as everyone know that isn't the way it goes. Only this time I felt God walking with me. I could do this, right!

Saturday June 4, 2011
This was a busy day and I woke up just feeling extremely stressed. That afternoon a friend of mine called and wanted to know if I wanted to get away for a bit. Absolutely! What's better than girl time, right! We went and got snow-cones (sugar free) and went to a little park where no people were around. We talked, laughed and cried. I told her about my experience over the last couple of weeks and we laughed and cried some more.

We were there for several hours when my phone went off. I got a message and in a split second my world was beginning to crumble down around me. Something I believed I had dealt with and put behind me was there and bigger than ever. I thought it was dead. I wasn't sure I could do this again. I didn't want to relive this again but didn't really know how to not I mean there it was and it was bigger than ever.

I struggled the rest if the evening and all day Sunday. I prayed and prayed for guidance and strength. I felt weak and I hated it. Sunday night I tossed and turned and prayed.

God showed me that I had put that behind me and that was exactly where I needed to leave it. So I picked myself up and did just that. God has forgiven me and that is all that matters. He is the only one that really matters because man will not get me into heaven. This hasn't been easy because I am human and the human in me wants to pick it up and try and fix it but honestly it's to broken to be fixed and it just needs to be dead not fixed. I have decided that nothing is worth my salvation, nothing is worth my family.

With that being said I know there is always the possibility of things in my past and mistakes I've made along the way to rise up and bite me but I also know that I serve a mighty God and there is nothing like having that relationship. I trust that God will be there and allow me to have the strength to make my way through anything.

As far as the anxiety and depression go I'm not saying that I will never have issues with them cause I think just like anything else it tries to sneak back on us. One thing I absolutely do know is that I will never allow medication to make me numb to the point where I can't even feel God's love.

There is no unlovable person out there. God is standing right there with his arms open wide waiting on them. He's awesome! I just had to decide that I could chose the path my life was going to take and not allow the things in life to determine that path for me.

I hope this came across the way it was meant to. I'm in no way suggesting that everyone run out and toss the medications buy if a medication has numbed you to the point where you don't feel anything but blah you might reconsider it. I will be forever grateful for my forgetfulness because without it I may have just missed out on this opportunity to begin again. Everything is new and everything looks so different, so much bigger, better and brighter!


So far to go but hey you gotta start somewhere right! 20 pounds down and I am wearing a smaller pair of pant today!

Sunday, June 05, 2011


Boy do they get the best of us. Today has been an absolute horrible day. There were some events a couple of years ago that I really thought I'd dealt with that apparently I'd just buried and today that grave so to speak was opened. I really should have known to expect such as when you really commit yourself to God you tend to face this stuff. It's so hard and has left me heartbroken. I know it's not to big for God but it feels like a huge mountain to me. Please be in prayer with me that God would just say the word and let it be gone but nonetheless his will not mine. I honestly don't know that I am strong enough for this but I've been taught that I can do all things through him who gives me strength!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Turning it around!

Three and a half years ago I was the happiest I had ever been with my physical image. I had never been so small in my entire life and as with so many things in my life I became one of those that said I will never be that works as hard as I did to get the weight off to just put it back on. All I can say is never say never! I guess a person never knows what they will do until that road is in front of them.

In the last few years I have been through a lot. A lot emotionally, physically, medically and mentally. My life has completely changed, nothing is as it was. I hate change, I do not cope with it well at all.

I haven't shared this because honestly I feel so ashamed.

I had an appointment with a specialist two weeks ago to see if he could give some insight as to why I had such a sudden weight change and what if anything I could do to fix it. Boy was that a wake up call but it was a wake up call I needed! He first told me that the hysterectomy I had 3 1/2 years ago put my body on a slippery slope and it just began what he called a snowball effect. I developed hypothyroidism shortly after my hysterectomy which had been no fun to say the least. The more weight I gained the more depressed I became about it not to mention all the things life was throwing my way. To get to the point he told me that I have a metabolism syndrome. This causes my body to make too much insulin which in turn causes you to store and hang on to fat. They also think I have something called Cushing syndrome which I don't know a lot about I just know that it causes you to gain and excessive amount of weight. He also told me that if I didn't do something that he could tell me with almost a 100 percent guarantee that in the course of the next few years I would develop diabetes and heart disease(did I mentioned that these two components contributed to my grandmothers death).

There is nothing that can be done about metabolic syndrome other than dietary changes and with Cushings there is medication but the best thing all around is dietary changes and exercise. So I left his office that day with a prescription for dietary changes(South Beach Diet) and exercise. I also left there that day feeling relieved, yes I said relieved! I finally had an answer and I wasn't going nuts. I'm not saying that the intense dietary changes didn't freak me out a bit (or a lot) but I had an answer. That was two weeks ago today. The first week was hard but this week I'm enjoying it(yes I said enjoying). Who enjoys a diet right! Best of all as of this morning I had lost 14.4 pounds in the last 14 days and it feels grand!

I won't let food kill me!

I also won't say that I won't put weight on, it obviously happens but I feel that I have a better grasp of things than I've ever had. I have however learned one of the hardest lessons of my life.

I have also learned and an easy lesson it was not that I can control what I do with how my emotions make me feel. I can choose to go to the fridge and veg out or I can choose to spend another year on earth with my family.

Raw an roasted veggies Are so totally my thing right now. I may have to eat 5 or 6 times a day but I'm satisfied and still coming in under my allotted cal/fat/carbs for the day.

So this is where I am and this will most likely totally turn back into my diet exercise journal but that worked really well for me last time around.

I will leave you with a picture of the cutest little man who has absolutely stolen my heart!

With all my love,

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted anything on here in sooo loooong! So much has happened and so much has changed. I have this huge post written just can't decide if I'm ready to share it.

Beings I'm actually setting at work right now I don't have time to go into much but I'm going to try and make time for that this afternoon!