Saturday, September 18, 2010

It doesn't get better than this!

I want to introduce everyone to our grandson, Noah Avery Hammond!
All I can say is wow!  He is the most amazing creature.  He was born this morning, September 18, 2010 at 1:16 A.M.  He weighed 6 pounds 15 ounces and is 19 1/2 inches long.  I must say to me he looks way smaller than this.  Bethany did an absolutely amazing job and I am so proud of her. 
He came into the world letting us know he was really not happy with the whole being born situation.

But then he thought he'd have a look around.

Then he found her, awe yes that's my mommy and this is where he was when I found my way home a bit ago except they where all snoozing.  More to share later after some much needed rest.  It has been a very long day!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Healing

Did you know that healing is very painful? I always knew that physical healing was painful, yes it always hurts for a while before a wound heals.  What I never knew it was that spiritual and emotional healing is also very painful.  I have come to find that this is very painful in so many ways.  I have learned that severing relationships that hinder my life is painful but necessary.  I have learned that God is still there when I try but still end up landing on my face.  I have learned that God uses his people in ways that even blow my mind.  I mean there are people that I don't see on a daily basis and have no idea what's going on him my life who all of a sudden know the exact words that need to be spoken at the right time.

Did you know that Satan is watching you? He does, he sits and watches our lives and then BOOM just like that he sees a vulnerable spot and he jumps on it. Sometimes we don't even realized that this has happened.  I speak about this from personal experience I just didn't realize at the time this was what was happening.  How could I have missed it? I mean I was a Christian!  I have learned that just because I am a Christian and love God doesn't mean I am above falling into satan's trap. In fact I am more vulnerable to it than those who don't live their lives for God.  I have also learned that I cannot lose this fight unless I quit. 

There have been times where I have wanted to just quit.  I thought if I could just quit the pain would go away.  I wouldn't be able to let anyone down because you can't let people down if they don't expect anything of you.  I was so wrong!  I will never quit and while I may let people down I have learned that even when I fall my heavenly father is there to catch me as long as I allow him to.

This week I came to a place where I just decided to let go, I let go of everything! I couldn't carry it anymore, I have to allow God to carry this because it is just to heavy for me.  When I finally came to this place it was like wow, why did I try for so long to carry this, why didn't I just let him have it.  God must have a plan because I don't think Satan fights people like he has me if he didn't think God has a plan.  You see since I realized that I wasn't walking the life that God would have me to and have decided that I want all he has for my life and want to do, go and be what he want me to do, go and be things have been a struggle.  A major struggle, but everytime things would get to the point where they were just almost bigger than I could handle God would use someone to lift me back from the breaking poing.

I know a lot of this probably don't make sense to many but I had to just get it off of my mind so I can get some work done.  I am not a quiter.  I am in fact a survivor.  Beyond being a survivor I am a child of the King which makes him a princess!

Oh and the coolest thing happened!  With face book having evolved I have many people that I went to high school with on it.  Well the other day a friend that I haven't spoken with since we were in lamaze with our first babies who are 13 now sent me a message.  I thought cool, it would be nice to get back in contact with her. I mean she was a really good friend and a sweetheart.  As I reached a place that I seriously just wanted to quit my chat box on face book popped up and it was her.  She said she didn't know why but I had just been on her heart and she didn't know why but she knew something was wrong and we talked for a very long time.  She helped me see things in a different light and was such a blessing.  It was exactly what I needed when I needed it.  I thank God for her and I thank her for allowing God to use her.  Things like this still blow my mind when God does them.  I mean how could she know I needed her, we hadn't spoken in 13 years.  God is just amazing!!!

Healing hurts but I know a man that can take all that hurt away! Thank you God for loving me enough!

Monday, September 06, 2010

I found something I didn't know I had lost!
(Warning, very long post)

I sit here with tears flowing as I share with you my heart. 


Honestly I don't know where to begin or that I'm even comfortable with this.  So I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and have decided to be open about some things with all of you.  You are my friends and have never showed me anything but love so I really think by the end of this post you will rejoice with me.

You see over the last 9 months or so life has been anything but stable.  I lost myself somewhere along the way.  Sometimes life throws changes at you that your just not prepared for and you must decide how to cope with them.  I retreated somewhere deep inside of myself, um not a good place to be.  I became very depressed and then life threw more at me. I became very anxious and then life threw even more at me and somewhere along the way I became someone I didn't know. 

I was lost and I honestly never realized it.  I just kept going through life, I mean what choice did I have right.  I became someone on the inside I didn't know, on one hand I hated this person but on the other it was very exciting to be someone who could make all the stuff in life ever so dull.  The only problem with this is I became very lost. Lost from my myself, my family, my friends and most of all my God.  I knew I had changed but I'm guessing I had convinced myself I was okay because I still loved my family, my friends and yes I still loved God.  I found myself doing things that were very out of character but the more I did them the less I felt.  It didn't hurt so bad! Things just kept happening and I just kept finding myself doing more things out of character.  (You see the cycle)  I didn't see that my life was spinning out of control but man was it.  I didn't understand why God was causing my life to be a mess.  I mean he was causing all of these trials right. I always found things to get a little better and then bam something else would happen and I would fall deeper in this. Mind you all the time I kept my game face on in front of my kids and everyone but a few friends and my husband.  Never once did I let those closest to me that love me the most in on this, well there was once. (Thanks Jen, I appreciate and love you!)

I do know and fully understand that God wasn't causing or doing this to me.  Trials in life come and God is there to get us through them and uses them for his glory if we allow him to. Sadly I had lost the ability to see it that way.

Today as I look back on things, I'm just broken over it.  Over the last several weeks I found myself making little changes.  I didn't understand at the time that it was God.  He was tugging at me.  I had changed some little things. Turned the TV off more, changed the things we were watching, you know just small things. I mean I just didn't want my kids exposed to those things anymore.  I found myself reading more.  Started off with just some inspirational books by Beth Moore and things of that nature but then I found myself pick up my BIBLE (are you seeing a pattern cause again I didn't) and things really began to stir in me.  I really just thought I could be a better person. I was doing all of this on my own, right (that is how I seen it at first).  I mean I was the one making these changes of my own will or so I thought. 

A week ago yesterday I really didn't want to go to church but didn't want to be a bad example to my kids.  Let me tell ya it is honestly not any fun trying to be 2 people at the same time. Through all of this I rarely missed church, I mean people might have thought something was really wrong and I thought I was fine, just different than who I had use to be but I actually thought I liked this new me (not).  Anyway back to that service at church last Sunday.  Our Pastor, Dr. Bradley preached and I mean he preached a sermon on how that if we would just take one step in a positive direction we could be changed, we could succeed. Just one step! He preached about your life not having to be a mess. He told us that we had the abilty through God to not let things control us.  You see many times in the last 9 months I have tried to go back to the old me.  I would feel God but then when I would leave church I would be reminded of all the things I had done.  My mind would make me miserable and I was convinced God didn't have a place for me anymore. I mean how can God forgive someone who has lived a Godly life for all these years that falls flat on their face all the while being in church.  How do you lose God while sitting on a church pew every service, seriously?  It happens!  I don't know or understand how this happens all I know is it does and it can happen to anyone.  During that church service last Sunday night something stirred in me and I wanted to be that person that could make a difference.  I went forward and prayed and begged God to make a difference in me.  Then of course before we even got home it began. My thoughts, the mind is a scary thing.  It can literally torment you. Instead of just giving up this time I read my Bible and I also came across a book that we have had forever and decided to read it. I had no idea what it was even about when I started it but it was exactly what I needed.  It talked about taking control of our mind and thought life.  I was astounded that through God I actually have the power to control these things.  My mind had been tormenting me for months and it still does God has just given me the revelation to see that through him I am in control of it.  Though the day when this would start I would just immediately ask God to help me control it and this was working.  Apparently this angered Satan because I then began have night terrors about my past.  I couldn't sleep and when I did I didn't rest and woke up exhausted.  I felt as I had been fighting for my life all night long.  I had been fighting and running like crazy from this stuff.  Then Wednesday of last week Pastor taught having a beautiful mind and how we had to guard our mind and renew it.  How if we bathed our mind in God's word it would be renewed.  I had been reading immediately before church this very thing in my book.  Thank you God for affirming these things.  I don't have to run anymore all I must do is turn around face it head on and command it to stop in the mighty name of Jesus.  Friday I faced the biggest storm I had in a while and while I didn't handle it as I probably should and did regress and bit, God got a hold of me and I was shakened.  I don't ever remember being disciplined like that EVER! 

Yesterday morning I went to church kinda bummed cause I really felt like I had failed again.  Why would God still want me?  Pastor preached about how Satan was trying to steal our belief and our faith in God.  Thank you Pastor Bradley for listening to and obeying God. Something happened to me in church yesterday morning and I don't know how to explain it.  I literally felt something change, I felt this unexplainable power come in me. I feel God right here with me.  It's not like I have ever felt him before!  He is an awesome God!!!! My heart for the first time in a long time feels whole.  I never stopped loving God but I honestly felt there was no way he could still love me.  I do realize that this is what Satan wants us to feel. I want all God has for me and my family.  I want to do anything and I want to go anywhere he would have for me.  I know people are probably thinking (and that's okay, he knows) your walking on a cloud and maybe I am but God is walking beside me.  You probably think when the first thing comes at me I will be right back where I was, well I vow that I will not allow that to happen and as long as God is here with me it won't. You see I had walked away and left him behind but when I finally started stepping towards him even though at first I didn't realized that I was he like the loving father he is began running to me with his arms open wide.  Seriously I am just overwhelmed with the feeling of his presence.  He is my life and without him I am noone.  My heart hearts but in a good way. I feel that it is being worked on wounded but on the mend. Kinda when you have a wound that is healing. 

I hate what I have allowed to happen over the last 9 months and I hate the things that have happened but I will not walk away with them with a ahh poor me attitude because I know that God can make anything come together and use it for his glory.  You know maybe it can be used to minister to another family, wife, mother, child of God someday.  I know that things will raise their ugly heads but I have also come to know that if I call out to God I can get through them without all the wounds and scars they can cause.  I am fully aware that Satan and his many fallen angels will throw things at me, they will do anything they can to stop what I have, what God has so graciously allowed me to take part in. Today I do stand on top of a mountain and even if tomorrow a valley comes along I will hold my head high and thank God for it, for I will be stronger on the other side.  

God please use me and my life anyway you see fit.

I want to thank everyone of you for your prayers and your love. I will never look at the past at not regret it but I have also learned a lot and have more compassion for people walking this road than is imaginable. Before you decide to judge or look down on people for something you really need to try and look at it from the other side. Afterall we are all just flesh and blood being SAVED BY GRACE!!!   

I honestly don't know where to stop this and could probably go on forever but I'm sure I have already lost a lot of you so I will leave you with this.

Renewal can only be done in someone who has been through enough to open his heart, to close up his past, to stand in the rain of God's grace and to tell the next generation the truth!

Go with God and be blessed!!!