I know it has been a very long time since I put anything on here but I was tired of how depressing it was and just began journaling instead and then I didn't want to put anything on here that I couldn't live up to. You know the whole try and fall on your face thing is easier to take if no one knows!
Since I last posted I completely turned into someone that no one knew, not even myself. I have never been in such a scary place in my life. I turned my back on God and for a season I really became very lost and never thought I would find myself(I never did). By July last year my marriage was all but over. It was as dead as I felt. I no longer felt lovable and had completely shut everyone out of my life including my husband, parents, sister and my kids. As mentioned in my previous post I had been trying all kinds of different medications to help me cope but I honestly think sometimes they only made things worse.
Enough of the bad!
In August Donnie and I decided as a last ditch effort to begin couseling once again but this time with someone new. They were pastors of a different church than we attended but we have known our entire marriage. This was God! I told them at our first meeting that I was not serving God and I had major issues with him, I had major issues with my husband and my life. They never once pushed God at me. Don't get me wrong they did encourage me, they prayed for us, they never once judge me, they honestly just showed me love. I do rememeber at one session being asked why I was so angry. My response was that I had no idea. I now know it was because I hated everything I was and everything I had done and continued to do.
It wasn't long before we began attending their church. Still no one ever pushed me to serve God they were simply happy that I was there. By the end of August on a Sunday night I knelt with my husband and my boys and cried my heart out to God. I gave my life back to God that night but still held on to certain things. September 7, 2011 a young preacher ministered that night about hanging on to with one hand and the world with the other. (This is exactly what I was doing) That night I told God that if he'd just fix everything I had messed up I would give him my entire everything and I did just that. God is amazing, oh just amazing!
I found that everyday I was falling more and more in love with my husband, my kids were begining to do better, our financial situation was getting better. I still kept this all to myself. I didn't trust myself, I felt I needed to prove that it would last. I promise you that this is for keeps. It's been 6 months since that first counseling session and if someone told me then that I'd be where I am today I probably would have laughed in their face. Today I am sitting at my desk at the job that I lost when all of this began 22 months ago. I was called back in November and offered my job back(that was God). So many amazing things have happened that I don't even know how to relate it to you. My family is happy and we are a family, an intact family.
I am finally at a point in my life where I feel that I can be used by God. This past Wednesday night I stood before an entire church congregation and gave my testimony and as I closed it literally felt like God himself shut the door on my past. That chapter of my life is finally over.
I have come through this with a stronger marriage than I had before, I love my husband more than I think I ever have, my relationship with my kids is better than ever and my walk with God is stronger, deeper and all I need. I was taught what unconditional love was through all of this. God's unconditional love! The kind of love that it don't matter how far and how hard you fall that he is right there to catch you if you allow him to!
I am convinced that I had to get to that lowest, deepest, darkest place to realize how much I need God and now I not only need God but I want him. I desire to love him, to grow in him and to be used by him in any way that he see fit.